East German spokesman: We hear your cries. Behold our sweeping proposal to touch up the Berlin Wall, pending unlikely approval.

Photo by Alliance/DPA

“ Democrats proposed a far-reaching overhaul of police procedures and accountability Monday, a sweeping legislative response to the mass protests denouncing the deaths of black Americans in the hands of law enforcement.” — AP, 6/7/20

This country is coming apart. We see it every day, looking out from our palace, these mass demonstrations conducted by peasants from Dresden to Berlin. You, the East German people, have suffered decades of oppression by the Stasi police state. The foundation is rotten, so we know what we must do.

It is long past time to give the Berlin Wall a makeover.

The Socialist Unity Party of Germany shares the deep grief and frustration of those calling out for change, and we acknowledge the urgent need for reform. So, we are proud to announce the following measures that will be dismissed swiftly by national leadership:

  • Give The Wall a Fresh Coat of Paint. We keep hearing you say “Destroy the wall,” and, frankly, we are not sure what that means. Do you want us to destroy parts of the wall, like the cracked parts that look shabby from years of neglect? Or do you want us to destroy the ideals that uphold the wall, ideals like state control, military strength, and shoot-to-kill orders for tower guards spotting shadowy trespassers? We’re pretty sure it’s the first one, which is why the Unity Party has requested a paint job that will render the wall a glistening beacon of bureaucracy. We’re thinking gray.
  • Replace the Barbed Wire With Electrified Fencing. For far too long, blood has been spilled by men, women, and children fleeing from police guards before splitting their faces open on thick layers of serrated wire positioned atop the wall. It is, we must all admit, pretty gross, not to mention a nuisance to clean up. Therefore, we request that these ghastly wires be removed immediately and replaced with electrified fencing capable of liquefying the human brain upon contact. It is the humane thing to do.
  • Ban Dragon Sleeper Holds. Upon encountering trespassers on foot, Stasi guards are trained to subdue the criminal with a dragon sleeper hold, which entails targeting them from behind, snapping their head in an inverted facelock, applying insane pressure by yanking the neck backward, and driving a knee into the spine for extra leverage. Enough is enough. We must ban this unnecessary practice and replace it with a full nelson hold.
  • Require Body Cameras For All Stasi Officers. If our border guards are going to meet crime with more crime — and believe me, they are — then we may as well get it on camera so that we can perpetuate outrage. It is the only way to precipitate change. For the sake of transparency and justice, we demand that when border guards shoot intruders, the footage from their body cameras gets sent immediately to an independent commission funded by the State, then transferred to a civilian oversight review board headed by Mikhail Gorbachev’s sturdiest pet bear, Sergey The Bear, whereupon the tape should be subject to a scrupulous three-year review before being locked in a basement filing cabinet and set on fire.
  • Make Public Execution a Federal Hate Crime. Indeed, we are as surprised as you that this was not already a thing. Cutting down an elderly woman in broad daylight for accidentally stepping into the wall’s clearly marked Death Zone on her way to beg for bread is by definition a hateful act, and, going a step further, we the Unity Party boldly assert it to be a crime. What sort of punishments or consequences might stem from these federal hate crimes is to be determined, but damn if it doesn’t at least sound like we are taking a stand here.

As peaceful people all over the country turn out to drink from the cup of freedom, we must ensure that their safety and constitutional rights are being respected. Accordingly, it is with immense pride that we the Socialist Unity Party of Germany submit this sweeping legislation to national leadership so that it may be etched firmly into law, just as soon as last year’s gun legislation is passed.

Writer.

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